silver foxes part 1

You know this whole aging thing? I recently said to a male friend my age - "You must have single friends??". His reply - "Yeah but they're all dating 20 y.o.'s. You've aged out of the game. You need to go up an age bracket". Well the thing is, I did try once. I'm sure you already sense that it didn't end well...

I decided for myself, without having to be told by some cheeky Gen X male, that perhaps I would have more luck with an older gentleman. I thought their were lots of advantages to outweigh the disadvantage that a significant chunk of his lifespan has come and gone. Assuming that is a disadvantage. And I guess for some women it might not be. But I am not of a mercenary ilk. What I was looking for, and what I thought I would find, was a man who was confident, successful, financially secure, gentlemanly, rational. Basically, a grown up. Because that was one of the things that I was really beginning to sense - in almost all of the relationships I had had, I was the grown up. Regardless of the physical age of the man, they all seemed immature, insecure, petulant, hysterical even. So how wonderful the idea of it seemed - a man who had everything under control, could deal with any eventuality. *sigh* And of course we women are turned on by power, it's how biology works, so there too I saw no problem. I thought it might take a little while of getting to know this gallant silver knight before I was physically attracted to him, but with my track record that wasn't a bad thing!

So, I found myself a man. He looked his age (officially 57 but perhaps a couple of years more) but was an attractive man. He had his hair and was still slim and fit. He liked boating and flying, diving and swimming. He had been married twice and was on friendly terms with both his ex wives, especially the second with whom he had two daughters (11 and 15). He owned and ran a global business and travelled a lot, being out of the country more than he was in it. He was very gallant but also very no-nonsense and confident. Perfect!

It had been a case of "ask and you shall receive". I had been out with a small group of girlfriends and we had dropped into a bar after a meal. He was at the bar, we started talking and he asked me out! I'm not at all sure that, had I not already had my thoughts re older men, I would have welcomed his attentions. Maybe that's why it happened, because I was more receptive than previously. Let's face it, he'd had a lot of years to suss we ladies out!

We exchanged a few emails and he asked me to join him for dinner at a very good French restaurant quite near to where he lived. I got all dressed up and set off, thinking this was all going splendidly, just as planned. I arrived, expecting him to be there already but no, he wasn't at a table, and no there wasn't a booking. To make matters worse, I couldn't remember his surname, a fact I had to admit to the maitre'd when he was looking for the reservation. Rather embarrassing...

The very nice maitre'd suggested that perhaps my date was waiting for me at the bar. We walked up to the bar and I surveyed what they had on offer. Was it strange that there were 4 or so older gentlemen seated at the bar?? Is that normal?? I've never noticed! "Are any of these gentlemen he?" whispered Laurent, the caring maitre'd. "Ummm... I don't THINK so... That one there might be... but I don't think so". "Excusez-moi, Monsieur. Are you Robaire (Robert)? Are you dining with this young lady this evening?" Not-Robert: "No, I am Dennis, and I hadn't planned to but I would certainly be willing to dine with this young lady" Followed by wolfish smile. Okay... I was feeling rather out of my depth by this stage.

After humiliating me, Laurent sat me at a window table and kept me supplied with delicious pane and mineral water. I was determined to stay put for an hour and turned my burning cheeks resolutely towards the window, expecting any moment to recognise my dashing older companion for the evening. At the end of the hour, helpful bloody Laurent had said everything from "pair'aps you 'ave ze date wrong?" "pair'aps 'ee 'as forgotten?" to "'ave you met zis man before, eh?" and on to "pair'aps 'is wife, you know??" waggling his finger at me. I swear he said "oo la la!"

Now I'm sure that, by this stage, you have one very simple question - why didn't I call this Robert and find out what had happened? Well obviously because I didn't have his number. Why? Well I'm not proud but basically I was way cocky. I had set out so sure of success that I hadn't provided myself with a contact number, easily taken from his card. Nor had a remembered his surname. Hell, I hadn't even recalled what he looked like, beyond - about yea tall with grey hair. Helpful! I had, however, emailed that afternoon to confirm plans, and confirmed they were. It was because of that confirmation that I was feeling quite uneasy. Uneasy enough to become restless when I heard sirens, knowing that he lived just down the street.

Laurent was very nice and waved his hand back and forth when I asked for the bill. I think I had given him his entertainment for the night, he was quite willing to absorb the cost of my bread and water on the back of that. I made my way home, fairly despondent you could well imagine. Once home I checked my emails, nothing. I called the mobile number on his card but it was switched off. I left a message and also sent an email, saying - I waited for you etc. Hope you're okay. Please get back to me so I know you're alright.

Nothing. I had to wait 3 days to find out the story. Yes, they were his sirens! He had found out that day that he had colon cancer. He decided to brazen it out and meet me for dinner, only to have a heart attack as he was dressing!

SURELY, once they had stabilised him, one of the ambulance crew could have stuck his head around the door of Le Chat Noir. SURELY. I mean, they were going that way anyway.

Okay, maybe not their priority.

Let me say that Robert made a startlingly swift recovery after being operated on for the cancer. The heart attack was minor, but a good pointer to his doctor that attention was needed in that area. As far as I know, he is in near perfect health. I kept in touch sporadically for the first month or so, just to see how he was doing. It was easy to tell that he was the sort of man who didn't want people to see him down, so after I knew his operation had gone well and he was recuperating, I left him alone. He got in touch about 3 or 4 months later to see if I would like to give dinner another go, but by then I was well gun shy of the older man. Other stories, another time, but suffice to say I was happy enough to let passing ships honk and move on.

No really I don't mind making up the couch...!!

A little gem from The (eX)GEN Files...

I've had many a WTF...no SERIOUSLY WTF?? moment with one particular long term (eX)GEN (don't get Pepper started on him either!) There were A LOT of difficult-to-miss issues with him - some form of mild autism, mother issues, father issues, hormone induced mood swings and fits of rage, gym obsession, everyday obsessive compulsive behaviour, automatron disorder, small pet abuse, sleep apnoeia, consistent and horrific dreams about choking and spiders, lotto win as a serious life plan plus a load of others big and small I have managed to put in a box somewhere and try to hide/forget. I think I must have been out of my mind slightly through those years...had I have been sound of mind at the time, I think I would have lasted two minutes in our dysfunctional existence together.

Anyhoo...

After way too long I escaped that particular loony bin and was busily beetling around getting things all sorted and prepared for my new 'HAPPY' life (that is another story). The (eX) was staying on and off for a couple of months while we settled everything and it was not long after the official split that I got home one day to a rather odd scene...

Wandering absently through the front door after a long day at the office I came upon Mr (eX) and his creepy little blonde buddy (with a long-term bad case of puppy love and hero worship) kneeling side by side in our spare room joyfully packing a rather large suitcase...

WTF??#1!!
"Umm (eX) what are you doing?"
"Packing our suitcase for Las Vegas" (cue nasty thoughts of Elvis, little white chapels, man shagging in some nasty Vegas Strip hotel...eeeuuuwww!)
"Uh huh...ummm isn't it a bit weird having your undies in the same suitcase though? Why don't you pack separate ones?" (not to mention the fact that I've just watched you fold each others tighty whiteys on my spare room carpet...eeeuuuwww#2!!)
"No we are taking an empty suitcase so we can pack all the new clothes we buy"
"Ok then...??????" (fabbo! a Vegas trip for muscle mary and his blonde bimbo sidekick How bloody bro'mantic...eeeuuuwww#3!!!)

Weirdos!!

Later that evening...WTF??#2
"So I'll go set up the sofa bed for you [(eX)Mate]" (Yes weirdo let me do that for you...it is the least I can do for (eX))
"I'm just going to sleep in the spare room with (eX) tonight as we've got to get up early for our flight"
"Ummm, do you mean sleep in the bed together??" (For the love of God...do I really need that visual when I go to sleep tonight??)
"No...I'll just sleep on the floor at the foot of his bed with my pillow" (What, like a faithful yellow lab...OK so I'll fix you a bowl of Beneful then shall I??)
"Uh huh...sounds fabulous...????" (OK someone save me PLEASE I have a couple of freaks squatting (take it whichever way you like) in my spare room!!!)

Nasty visuals of toe sucking and other nastiness in the middle of the night....eeeeeuuuuwwwww!! Mad bastards!! Though it kind of did explain a lot of other things in hindsight...;-)

So I retreated to my bedroom and did a lot of la-la-la-ing (aka avoiding weird animal noises) and workshopping with Pepper as I drifted off to sleep. Oh yes you know what I was thinking...not that there is anything wrong with that :-)

Mx

Happy happy joy joy...just maybe not FOREVER!!

I was chatting to one of my (GenY) work colleagues on Monday and found myself somehow sitting motionless at a table with a vague and slightly bemused smile for a good 20 minutes, while she gave me a whirlwind monologue on the "absolutely joyful journey" she was on with her marvelous fiancee as they approached their March wedding.

There was a passionate description of the love and joy and tears that abounded when he proposed with more romance, pomp and ceremony than "You could ever believe Mandy", the joy of searching and knowing they had found the perfect diamond to express their love and joy, the multiple engagement celebrations to share their joy with as many of their friends and family as possible, the trip back home to share their joy with as many more of their friends and family there, the cup cakes and champagne to celebrate and commiserate again with family and friends when they sold their apartment (no, their "beautiful and special first home") in preparation for their joyful new life together. Not to mention a healthy dose of the trials and tribulations of securing the perfect venue, the perfect dress, the perfect hair, the perfect personal trainer for a 3 month contract, the perfect caterer and so the list went on...yep there was a lot of excitement and joy expressed in that 20 minute conversation and boy I tried so hard to stay focused and hanging on every word...you'll be pleased to know that I didn't end up spoiling anyone's fun with the old "Let me tell you about my bastard (eX)GEN...blah blah"!!

OK so I am obviously older, hopefully wiser and a tiny little bit jaded by the whole eruption of joy that surrounds someone willingly committing themselves to making someone else happy FOREVER. Not sure but I think my experience and the experience of so many of my eXGEN friends qualifies me to say "Um, maybe better to keep some of that joy to yourself sweet as you might need a stock pile of it after a while" Of course I didn't say anything...I'm a romantic idealist!! Everyone deserves to have that moment when life is perfect and they allow themselves to believe that whatever they imagined would happen after those two unlikely characters finally got together and kissed, actually did happen!! I'm not sure how much it really gushed out of me at the time I was preparing for Forever, and how much I flooded my family and friends (Pepper you where there, please confirm) but I certainly felt a torrent of joy when I experienced the Forever Promise for the first time. Thinking back though I really can't remember exactly what I was feeling joyful about...in fact I don't know what I was thinking at all hmmmm!!

It occurred to me after this lunch conversation that (shock!) it's 10 years in December since I first took the plunge into "Forever"...and I was the same age as my GenY colleague is right now. I remember like it was yesterday standing at the top of the aisle, Pepper striding down before me in Bad-Karma-Blue like a security guard checking for land mines (I know she found them and hid them safely from me too :-) ), Dad beside me, trumpet voluntary going off in the background and me eagerly looking forward to the pretty eXGEN man 50m in the distance. I don't remember much else about that day but at that moment of embarkation I reckon I was pure of heart and honestly believed I loved that man enough to beat all odds and make ANYTHING happen...OK so we didn't go near beating the odds (marrying a Buddhist in a Catholic church was never a great sign lets face it) and it was apparent quite early on that we were going to make NOTHING MUCH useful happen but I remember how I felt for a romantic, giddy, devil may care moment and it was the joy, hope and optimism of that same moment that hauled me through kicking and screaming many a dark one to follow.

Needless to say I live in hope but without the same optimism of Forever...I think in bits and pieces we all do really. I actually love it when people share their joy and take me on a bit of their journey with them...I secretly wish I could have my time over again only so this time I could bloody get it right. In the meantime I'll continue to live vicariously but at a safe distance from the joy tsunami that will be flowing through the office for at least another 4-5 months!!

...gee I really need to start writing something more comedic. The (eX)GEN Files to come will be I promise!

Mxx

Please Do Not Feed The Bears

I had a tedious experience the other night and, though it wasn't at all serious, it was to blame for my Friday post not going up. Thus I am taking the Monday slot and The Dear Mandy shall follow...

It was a rather tedious night all up really. Not unpleasant I guess, just a little ho-hum. I was very weary but had agreed to meet up with a friend (and ex) and some of his friends and go see a show in town. This involved a drive of over an hour. I'm used to that, that's fine. What I'm not used to is arcing sprays of boiling water exploding from the front of my car when I park it! I thought maybe it was a hose or something... That's how mechanical my brain is, ie. today I couldn't even remember what a mechanic was called and I had to say "you know, the guy with the spanners". So, I thought "oh, a hose or something is loose. I shall find a man along the way somewhere and he can take a look and make it better" and off I went on what turned out, as mentioned, to be a rather lacklustre social outing.

Someone had lost their job and was drunk and dangerously brandishing a lamb shank. Some others had been told there was a 90 minute delay in the kitchen, so the lamb shank tickling their ribs was double provocation. Then apparently our 'contact' ( I think the girl with the shank) was meant to be procuring super seats for the show, but we were stuck behind a giant pole. Luckily there was a large mirror and I found I could catch most of the action in that. It seemed to be turning into a night of never ending difficulties and I was happy enough to have it over and finished.

My friendly ex came back with me to my car to see if he could see what the problem was. Of course, being a man, he could. He poured some water in and pronounced that I had a whopper of a hole in my radiator and that it wouldn't be fixable by road service. He then turned this into a reason why I should come stay at his place (I had earlier refused his hospitality for the night). I was having none of it! I sent him on his way and called my road service providers. Obviously the problem was that I had the wrong man. That one hadn't been able to fix my car, so I had to find one who could. Or sleep in the parking station. Not appealing.

Road Service Man arrived and he really did want to do something for me but alas, my radiator looked like a rusty colander. He really did wrack his brain - I get along very well with trade type men. I am always polite and chatty and they always want to do the right thing by me. Plus I had heels on and was showing quite a bit of boob... He thought he'd hit on it when he realised that if I was 100 kms or more away from home, I could get a free tow. A phone call proved that I was only 75 kms from home, and so I only got 5o free kms and had to cough for the rest. Better than a kick in the shins, and at this point it was midnight. Okay, get me the man who can fix this situation. Get me Tow Man!

Tow Man took a loooooong time to arrive. I reckon I spoke to Mandy on the phone for a good 2 hours before I got a call that Tow was minutes away. Finally, after 2 strikes, here was the man who could help me! Tow Man was a tiny, young baby-man called Daniel. He got my car sorted up back whilst directing me to hop in the cab - reeking of high octane ciggies, bottles of coca cola everywhere, Fiddy blearing out of the speakers. When I say he was tiny, not in a physical sense, just in development sense. He was quite a young 24. Sweet as a button. Tall, slender, pleasant, open face. One of those slightly gormless, puppy-like young men. Although quite the conversationalist, as it turned out.

Getting through the city was a joint effort as we laughed over the fact that neither of us had a good grasp of the one-way streets within the city. Once out of the CBD we had a good hour or so in close proximity, but not a problem. We chatted about everything under the sun. He pointed out where all the new speed cameras had gone in and advised me as to where the police usually lay in wait. He showed me all the bells and whistles his nice new truck had, very proud especially of the high beams and sidelights. And they were truly illuminating. I heard all about his Mother and her dangerous job travelling the country laying down rubber cables on roads. All about his Dad and his long illustrious truck driving career. All about his rapidly aging 31 year old cousin who had recently vomited on his carpet resulting in it having to be pulled up. In short we bundled along in high spirits, like we were on a road trip to the beach rather than our real mission. Probably each of us, of a sociable sway, was pleased to find the other was a 'nice' person. And young Daniel was positively revelling in his role of rescuer to a distressed damsel.

About halfway along the journey, I started a little muted inner dialogue - "you must NOT ask him if he wants a coffee/tea/etc". I find this really awful because here is this nice young fellow who has just helped me out, I know he's being paid, that it's his job, but my very natural instinct is to say "Thanks very much! Would you like tea? Coffee? A cold drink before you go? Something to eat?" It really seems to me only polite. Especially as he had a long return trip ahead of him. But by this stage it was after 3 in the morning and I've learnt that you just can't do it. I've gotten into two awkward situations with tradesmen as a result of friendliness and what I see as politeness. On both occasions they've been working outside and I've asked if they would like a coffee, only to find that they have followed me inside and taken a seat without me even realising. It has then taken a loooong time to dislodge them. Only veiled threats along the lines of "gosh, my really huge wrestler friend will be here soon" have produced any movement. And to make it worse, once it has turned uncomfortable like that, I realise how much I have given away about myself in the course of casual conversation. So poor Daniel wasn't going to get a look in. I felt awful but he just got a "Thanks! Drive safely!"

I don't think he was at all dangerous but my caution was rewarded when my phone beeped about 10 mins after he had left. Text message - "Thanks for the chat. I really needed to use your bathroom but didn't want to freak you out by asking LOL. Hopefully I don't have to tow your car again!" Well that just made me feel a bit crap but still, why was he messaging me? I replied and said "I'm so sorry! I should have thought of that. You should have asked. Thanks also for the chat. Goodnight".

It continued:

D - Nah. We've only just met. It would have been a bit rude. You don't mind me texting you do ya?

...

P - No that's fine. Thanks again.

D - I bet you're sitting down now relaxing and I'm driving LOL.

P - Yep. Having a cup of tea. Hopefully you'll have a quick trip back.

D - Where's mine?? Still in the kettle I guess. So what are your plans for the weekend? Mine starts now.

P - Umm, getting my car fixed I guess.

D - Yeah I'm gonna just kick back n relax too.

And then the piece de resistance!

D - So do you want to go out sometime?

Ah-HA!! This proves it! You can't be nice to them without them thinking they're in! Don't get me wrong, being asked out by a 24 year old is, I guess, very flattering in one sense (it would have to be a movie date, dark cinema) but I wasn't thinking in that direction at all. Nor was I with the two tradesmen who made themselves comfortable in my home. I think it's my rural upbringing - in all cases I was just being friendly and taking an interest in them.

Or is the problem that many women so rarely take an interest in men in that way? In a disinterested way, for want of a better term? Do we so infrequently engage them in a purely friendly fashion that they don't recognise it or a little overwhelmed by it?

I had a long conversation recently, with a male friend, about hats. It was purely about hats and was quite in depth and interesting. At one point he said "this is by far one of the oddest conversations I've ever had with a woman". I asked why was that? How is talking about hats odd? But I think it was the fact that he was having a friendly conversation about something completely innocuous with a woman, a rare thing it seems. And so it does strike me that perhaps we don't often meet them on their turf and discuss whatever arises, ask them questions and discuss whatever that leads to. We seem to have lost that art. And it is an art I think! And we should definitely engage in it. Maybe not with random service providers... but certainly with those men who are friends and loved ones. And if we did do it more regularly, maybe a girl could offer a polite cup of coffee after a bit of friendly conversation without there being any other expectation involved!!

Part II - exGEN men Top 100...Cougar evolution

As a companion piece to Peppers blog on our woeful (and actually slightly scary) exercise in identifying eXGEN 'model' men I just want to say "WHAT THE...???!!!!" I finished our conversation determined, no OBSESSED! with creating a list of all the fabulous, gorgeous, charismatic, intelligent, sweet, caring, successful, 'have-their-shit-together' eXGEN-Men (celebrity and non)

...and I fell asleep an absolute failure :-(

I mean it is a bit much to expect that we are going to find many perfect specimens with all the bells and whistles but J,M&J I couldn't even think of more than Clive who even went close when it came down to it WOW!! Is this why we feel compelled to create impossible heroes in fiction I wonder...cos ladies it is only making the real thing even more disappointing if you think about it!! We can find a lot of perfect speciMANs in novels and film that meet our exacting standards e.g Graham in The Holiday. We create them without flaws but the truth is that eXGEN men (at least) fundamentally do not act the way we make them act in fiction!!

I lost a lot of sleep over the tragedy of the Top 100, dreamed wildly and vividly about our (exGEN-womens) fate when we are forced to deal with such a tiny pool of men we deserve for all our fabulousness...yes there WAS sex with robot replacement men eeek!! Then Eureka moment!! This is not the end of us...this is the dawn of the a new age dominated by the highly evolved species of eXGEN woman called "COUGAR"!! Which mind you is a rather inaccurate and lacklustre term considering how we've been FORCED to change and adapt in order to survive the extinction of viable eXGEN men!! We've found a way to triumph over a global calamity for God's sake, give us something better than that!!

In order to compete for the hearts, minds and sometimes wallets (ie career options not divorce $$) of our eXGEN-Men and improve our chances of procreation etc. we've needed to be and STAY FOREVER more intelligent, physically perfect, exciting and intriguing, sexually talented, intuitive, emotionally robust and , dare I say it, politically astute and match fit! We've had to beat off a lot of challenges and challengers and the end result we have oustripped our exGEN-Men counterparts and emerged as the fittest of them all!!

Bring on the rapid prototyper I say!!

Mx

TOP 100 !!

Mandy and I had a brainwave the other day! We were lusting over someone or other, lots of "phwoar! Get a load of that sweet meat!", and we thought, yes! Let's compile a Top 100 of great Gen X men! What a fun little task! So after lots of backy-forwardy texting we have our list so far. Ready for the unveiling?? Okay, ahem, here goes.

1. Clive Owen

Ummm... yep, that's it so far. We did come up with others but each time one of us named an X man, the other would say "Oo no! Remember? That unfortunate episode with the er... you know. No... no no." And so there it is. Clive, all alone at the top.

Please do give us your suggestions. We might have to start adding names with dodgy episodes attached with an asterisk. We can't leave Clive with just his pot plant for company!

So today I was pushing my 4-and-a-half year old godson on the swing, and we had an interesting conversation...

G.S. - Auntie Pep, do you have some kids?

A.P. - No... You know I don't have any kids. Why do you ask?

G.S. - Oh, just because Daddy was talking about someone whose wife... (shake of head followed by correction) husband, went away from home and now there are kids. I thought maybe Daddy was talking about you?

Crikey!! Even pre-schoolers know I'm single!! There was only one way to deal with this, play the game.

A.P. - Hmm, maybe he was talking about me... Now you know honey, if any of your little school friends say that their Daddy is sleeping on the sofa, you know to come tell your Auntie Pep, don't you? I'll give you sweets for each Daddy on a sofa. And a puppy for a Daddy that has gone to live in a big building with a pool.

It has almost come to this, bribing minors. If I thought it would work I'd give it a go. Because it is the ongoing problem, isn't it? Where does one find an eligible man??

If you're out at a bar, the only men who approach you are married ones, misunderstood by their wives. Misunderstood in that the wife thinks he's a lovely fellow who, very sensibly, sleeps on his office sofa if he's drunk a bit too much on his weekly night out with the lads... Sad thing is, these men can be great fun. Perhaps because they feel no pressure, they're brave enough to chat you up, they'll buy you a drink... Maybe because they're used to being around a woman? You don't scare the bejesus out of them. Socially, they are good value. Whether you want to join them on the office sofa or not is your business, but either way, they're not exactly a prospect for anything more are they? Unless of course sleeping on the office sofa has become a regular thing... Cue dobbing pre-schooler.

So where else do you find an eligible man? Work is often a good one. I met my ex husband at work, but I was 21 and working in a bar, as was he. Now I work in the most female-centric industry in the world, ever. AND I work from home... by myself... Not stacking up as a success story is it?

Friends? Surely meeting someone through a mutual friend is close to ideal? But none of my friends, I repeat NONE, seem to have any eligible male friends. I had a friend once say to me (yes, to my face!) "Oh! What about my uncle? He's single!" Gosh, thanks for thinking of me... I've lost count of the times I've said "you must have some single friends???" Nope, all married. Or increasingly "Yeah but they're dating 20 yo's, you've aged out of the market." Now I just ask - "do you have any unhappily married friends? Here's my card!" Because I'm figuring you have to get in early! These available men, if indeed they exist, are literally walking off the shelf!

Dating site? I did try a dating site when I first became single. I know that it has worked wonderfully for some people. I know this because I have heard other people say so. "A friend of mine..." "My sister-in-law..." "My cousin's best friend..." It's not that I don't believe these stories, I just want to find a first hand account. I want to meet these people and the treasures they unearthed, because it really didn't work for me. I have never met so many sociopaths in such a short amount of time, and I am not overstating. One started yelling and swearing at me because he thought I was having a go at him - he had said that I looked like Margot Kidder (no, I don't, not that she isn't very attractive) and I said, with a wink, "oo! Showing your age there *John*!" And thus started the verbal abuse. We were the same age so why would I be criticising his age? And secondly, even if I was, does it warrant abuse? On our first meeting?? Then there was also the guy who said he'd call the cops on me for stalking after I sent him 3 text messages, an impotent dwarf, a guy who wouldn't let me order food because he wasn't sure how it was going... A catalogue of misfits. Every now and then if a friend is cruising this particular dating sight I see all the oldies from my days! "Oh no! See that one? Real scary feet!" "Oh! Impotent dwarf! Steer clear!" I suspect there are professional pluckers on there and I was clueless and well and truly plucked!

So there it is. For now I am just leaving it in hands of fate, the other options have exhausted me! I don't really think my 4-and-a-half year old friend can do much for me at this stage. His 3 year old brother, however, seems very wily.